DCML Explained - Part 12: Here Kitty, Kitty... No?

Meow. Purr. Yay. Kittens are cute. Cats are fun. But boy, am I allergic to them.

You must live with cats

This seems self-explanatory. Why live with an animal if you're allergic to it? The story does get a bit deeper than that, however. Martin and I dated approximately 5 months. He lived in his own apartment approximately 5 minutes driving distance from mine. We both lived alone and we were both graduate students at the time. Therefore, we were busy people.

Given our love for animals we both had pets. I had 2 chinchillas, 1 rabbit, 1 hedgehog, 2 turtle doves and a partridge an a pear tree. Alright, spare the birds and the tree, but the other four apply. Martin had an obese cat and then acquired a cute smaller kitten. Martin did know I was allergic to cats before he acquired another, but my intentions were not to discourage them.

Approximately two months into the relationship Martin felt that his cat situation was quite an inconvenience to our relationship. I couldn't spend a prolonged period of time over his apartment due to my allergies and he hated being away from his cats. As a compromise he decided to close the bedroom off from the cats, but then that didn't last long. His apartment was approximately 900 square feet and he felt it was a punishment to the cats not to allow them to sleep with him when he was over there.

As a result, Martin had to come over to my place more often. He despised this resolution too as it meant he couldn't spend quality kitty time. Martin tried to get me on prescription medications in addition to my regular allergy medication, as well as get my allergy tested. I did do the blood test but put my foot down when it came to the test involving being stuck with tons of needles.

Martin then announced he was having allergic reactions to my animals. He said he had breathing difficult at my place despite me having $500+ air purifiers throughout my small abode. Martin had an allergy test as well to reveal he was allergic to.... yes... cats, and only cats.

In summary the feline situation really caused a barrier in our relationship. It was not ultimately the reason of our separation, but certainly contributed to anxiety and stress on top of what we already shared. By the time we separated we had enough of each other.

Meow.

DCML Explained - Part 11: Um, I'm Not Ready Yet

I'm not ready to meet you yet. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be more comfortable to get together f2f.

You don't want to meet up until after some
extended period of time chatting online

Since you are reading this, that probably means you may have some level of interest in online dating. If you've been in the cyber-love world for more than just a week or two, you've probably ran into this personality type. Although it may be more common in women than men, it does exist in both genders. There is this online personality that wants to wait weeks to months before they're willing to get together face-to-face (f2f).

I met Donald on another free dating site and I had our really fascinating first conversation. We threw around intelligent facts, jokes, and all those other great things that make you glued to your computer communicating via text. We probably chatted for a few hours. It felt nice.

Following that conversation, our continued rapport grew very monosyllabic. Donald would IM me with a few words here or there. I'd attempt to engage in conversation but constantly hit brick walls. Perhaps his interest level in me highly waned.

I asked Donald on a few occasions if he ever wanted to meet up with me. He confirmed that he did. I tried to get availability of his schedule. He wasn't too open. Eventually I asked him what the deal was.

Donald told me he wasn't comfortable meeting me yet. I asked why. He said he took awhile to open up to people. I commented that we don't even really talk anymore. He repeated that he wasn't comfortable yet. I said what does opening up to someone have to do with meeting them face to face? Isn't it more common for people to reveal more lounging around in their underwear with the comfort of the computer masking their identity?

I laid it out straight. I wasn't comfortable having a chat buddy. Typically I understand when people are too busy to meet up, but building a comfort level first online? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I find this to often be misleading. I encouraged him to contact me when he's ready to hangout and we left it at that.

Think about this. You're at a bar. A hot girl/guy comes over to you. You have some drinks and make some small chat. You exchange numbers. You might even dance a bit if you're tipsy and/or the dance floor is booming. Now, unless you're backing that thang up, I'd say your interaction isn't very open and intimate either.

All in all, as long as you're meeting in a public place during daylight hours, what's the harm in meeting up after chatting for a limited time? Maybe it's my personality but I rather be out and about than building up a relationship through da interwebs.

I mean, if you're gonna get molested by someone, are they really going to tell you that in the IM?

DCML Explained - Part 10: What's the smell?

What is that stench?

You don't participate in daily hygiene rituals (i.e. shower)

Perhaps it's an American thing. Perhaps it's a luxury thing. Perhaps it's an unrealistic expectation. Perhaps, and just perhaps, I don't like to climb into bed dirty.

Daily showers are practically a necessity for me. There are few occasions where I can't force myself to climb into the shower at some point in a 24-hour interval. However, I find that this is not the case for everyone.

I dated Jerry for almost half a year and he opened my eyes to a new unexpected lifestyle. Jerry didn't shower often. Maybe he showered 2 or 3 times a week. I realized this one day where he came over to visit me. He had an odor. I smelled him with a disgruntled look upon my face. I really should have recognized it when I noticed the dander the first time we hung out alone. "Did you shower today?" I asked him. He looked at my shyly and responded that he did not. Then Jerry became defensive and told me about his lifestyle. Daily showers are not part of his routine.

Well perhaps Jerry had a good excuse. He was straightedge and into the hardcore scene. If you ever been to a hardcore club, like the Black Cat in DC, you'll notice there are definite whiffs of body odor passing by. Anyway, his main excuse was that he just didn't have time to shower daily.

That was a new one to me. How could you not go out of your way to shower? Unfortunately this aspect made me a bit paranoid and frequently, and quite possibly obnoxiously, I questioned if he showered.

Jerry and I made a pact that he would shower if he saw me that day, which came true most of the time. I noticed over time his dander problem dropped off as he showered more, but the boy was just not naturally motivated to rinse off daily. His brother is similar so perhaps this philosophy runs in the family.

Anyway, there are enough things to be annoyed about in a relationship. Maybe I'm high-maintenance, but I don't think I should be deemed unrealistic if I want my partner to be clean on a daily basis. Who doesn't like to climb into bed smelling good?

DCML Explained - Part 9: Just a sec, I'm TXTing

Oh darling, sweet sweet Jacob, this is truly a great date! I wish you'd hold my hand. But alas, your fingers seem to be attached to your number pad on the cellphone.

You text or talk to people on the phone at least half the time we're out

Naturally one would thing it's polite when going on a date to put your phone on vibrate, silent, or even power it off. Unfortunately my date, Jacob (yes, his name is changed) didn't think so.

His excuse was that he provides for his family... his 8 or so other brothers and sisters, and helps out his parents. Anyone of them could be contacting him for an emergency, an emergency every other minute. I'd hate to live in a household with a crisis that frequently. Something can't be right there.

However, yes, because when there is a 9-1-1 call, I don't call up the operator. I text. It's probably something like this

"Hey, mrder in my house. Can u help plz? Call mom. Thnx. Ttys BBL"

Come to think of it, if you did have a murderer in your house it might be "safer" to text 9-1-1 than to call. Yes, apparently it is already an option in play (thanks niehjd).

But back to the story, so this guy I'm out on a date with keeps texting people non-stop. Granted, I'll text, too. But not every other minute! I don't think Jacob even noticed that I had stopped talking and just starred of into the distance after awhile.

To me, this is just straightforward rudeness.

So gents, ladies, a combo of both... respect your potential love interest and silence your phone or at least provide an emergency number so those people who text you to help with the creepy murderer in their house will get immediate assistance.

Yes, however, I am aware of the chance Jacob was entirely bored of me and just texting away until the date is over. I almost rather him leave out of the bathroom window, if that was the case.

But then in today's growing technology, Superman doesn't need a signal in the sky. A simple text message would do.

DCML Explained - Part 8: Actually I'm with Her

Ever been invited out, and your date ends up hanging all over another person all night? Yeah, I haven't either, until this date. It gets worse, too.

You invite me to hangout and end up being with another girl all night.

Mitchell (name changed to protect the asshole) and I talked sporadically. In fact, when Mitchell first contacted me on MySpace, I blew him off telling him I wouldn't date a smoker. I looked at his page, however. His background was laced with silhouettes of naked women and his top friends looked like the "models" that Friend Request you, then try to get you to buy some ringtones. Needless to say, I forgot about Mitchell.

A few weeks later he contacted me again. I realized he had some similar music interests as me, so, despite my better judgment, I shrugged off a few details I usually don't ignore in potential dates, and let him contact me.

Surprisingly, we're both pretty strong assertive personalities and we ended up having playful, insulting, and very compatible conversations. I always hung up the phone with a big grin on my face.

Mitchell and I met up a few times at the gym. We didn't interact outside of the gym very often. Our schedules didn't mesh, and he wasn't reliable.

Finally, one day he suggested I come hang out with him and his friends at a local bar/club. I arrived about an hour after his other friends were there. I greeted them all and ended up dancing with the friends. Mitchell, however, kept disappearing. I finally spotted him at the dance floor. He was all over this girl. I was thinking, well maybe he knows her. He does seem to know a lot of people and is a bit flirt.

However, social Mitchell, the people's person, hardly leaves her side all night. I even viewed them kissing. I was getting fairly drunk as the night continued since people kept buying me drinks. Mitchell approached me.

Mitchell: I'm with her because I can't be with you now.
Mitchell then leans in and kisses my face.
Me [baffled and unreceptive]: What the hell are you talking about? What are you doing???
Mitchell [drunk and over-dramatically touching his heart with both hands]: I don't have it in my heart to give it up now. I'm still hurt from my last relationship. I can't give myself up with you now. With her it's different.
Me: WHAT? Um, we've hardly hung out. I'm not asking for a relationship with you now.
Mitchell: I know, I know. But I can't be involved like what you deserve now.
Me [eyes wide, confused and drunk]: Um... okay.

Mitchell then runs off to be with the girl for the rest of the night. I continue to hangout with his friends. So that's fairly bad right? Mitchell is hanging out, and making out, with this chick right in front of my face, despite inviting me out. Hold on. It gets worse.

By the time the bar was closing, I was in no condition to drive home. I may have been stupid for coming out to meet Mitchell, but not stupid enough, or ever, to drive intoxicated. Without a plan, and the bouncers pushing everyone out, we end up piling into Mitchell's parents' Mercedes SUV and end up at the condo his parents live at. He lives with them.

Mitchell is running around, chatting with his friends, and making out with that girl. I was frustrated and upset, and Mitchell's friend was hitting on me. I picked up Mitchell's parents' Bison Frise.

I started petting the dog, in my less drunken state, and then I feel something sharp on my face. I touch my hand to my face and feel blood. Then I realize THE DOG BIT ME IN THE CHEEK!

I start freaking out. Mitchell is too distracted with everything else to pay attention. Other people are running around drunk and upset for various reasons. The guy who was hitting on me helps me clean it up. I'm extremely upset. I'm holding gauze to my cheek after cleaning it up with rubbing alcohol and Neosporin. While attempting to stop my cheek from bleeding, I step outside and start calling anyone in the local area to pick me up and take me to my car back at the bar. While I'm in the middle of doing this, Mitchell's new "girlfriend" steps outside to talk to me.

She starts complaining how she only came here to meet people and is upset with how things are going. I tell her I want to go home. She says Mitchell will take us or she'll drive his car to take me back to mine. She walks back inside the house. I wait outside in the freezing cold wearing nothing but a thin cami and jeans, standing out by the SUV in 25F weather.

She returns outside and says Mitchell is coming to take us back to the car. Then she starts telling me how I need to respect myself more. She was referring to the guy who was hitting on me. She went on to say that he only wants to get in my pants and she would know since she was raped when she was 14. I'm still holding gauze to my bloody cheek. Baffled and beyond annoyed, I turn away from her.

Mitchell finally comes out to take me back to my car. The girl is sitting up front with him, cuddling and holding hands. I'm in the back hoping my bleeding stopped. I'm more than sober by this point and extremely upset.

When I finally get back to my car, I speed off. The next day (or really a few hours later) I go to the doctor and get my cheek looked at. It didn't need sutures but I had to take an antibiotic. I'm still hoping it won't scar.

On a positive note, the next day, on my morning commute to work, the DJS on Hot 99.5, a local pop radio station, on the Kane Show request listeners call-in about a story involving either sex, blood, jail or fame.

I call in with my story. I was only competing against a married couple having sex on the side of the interstate. I won a DVD. So, at least my date was good for something.

DCML Explained - Part 7: Keep It In Your Pants

Here's a quickie, no pun intended.

You start off your introduction with a picture or webcam of your
penis and/or any penis-associated activity

This seems rather obvious enough, doesn't it? How should you introduce yourself to a lady online? Perhaps you may say hello. You might ask about her day. You might comment on her profile or how you like her pictures. There are many ways to greet a lady.

How should you NOT greet a lady? Perhaps by starting an uncontrollable OKCupid instant message that displays your webcam (I didn't know this was even an available option). But perhaps you're over-confident. She doesn't need to see your face, just you masturbating in the camera.

That's how some random stranger on OKCupid greeted me. An OKCupid IM pops up. I see the typical "hello." Then I get a full frontal of his erection and his hand vigorously stroking it.

I was less than thrilled. And he wasn't even that endowed.

So boys, when you're trying to talk to that special one, especially for the first time, it may be best just to keep it in your pants, at least if your webcam is up. Actually, just play it safe and keep the cam off altogether.

DCML Explained - Part 6: You Drive Me Right Round

Drive Me Right Round Baby, Right Round

Can I be your chauffeur, baby? Let's make it our first date. Let me drive you around to wherever you want to go. Let me watch you buy food for yourself. Let me watch you eat it in front of me. How does that sound for our first date? Perfect? If so, you're not the guy for me. This entry addresses the following bulleted point on my list:

You want me to drive you around to random stores and don't offer me anything.

So Charles (again named changed) and I had some fantastic phone conversations. Granted, he was a year younger than me but seemed to have great potential. He was a law student, we had witty communications, and he seemed rather intelligent. I could joke around with him, and he was a little rigid, but a little less rigid than your typical law student (kidding... sorta).

I finally agreed to come meet him. I had nothing to do being Jewish on the day after Christmas. He wasn't big on celebrating the holiday so I said how about I come over for a bit. He told me how he needed to go to the store etc., and I said well it's not a big deal, I can give you a lift.

So I drive 35+ minutes into Baltimore and find Charles's apartment complex. He comes out after a few minutes and gets in the car. I suggest the possibility of us getting something to eat since Charles said he wanted to go to 7 Eleven to get food. Often Charles went there to get dinner during exam time. When I suggested the idea of eating out Charles seemed a bit iffy and uncomfortable. I said, alright, fine, we can go to 7 Eleven. So I parked outside and we went in. He hardly held the door behind him when I followed him into the store. He grabbed a sandwich and chips then went to the register. He didn't ask if I wanted anything. I was a bit surprised considering this was our first interaction. With the food in hand, Charles headed towards the door. He again hardly held it open behind him, and I had to catch the door so it didn't shut on my face. I thought we were going to head back but Charles said, "Hey, I want to stop somewhere else." I shrugged and said alright.

I drove a few blocks as instructed by Charles then he has me stop at the liquor store. "Wait in the car," he told me. He says he'll make it up to me for all the driving around. Charles gets out of the car, runs into the liquor store, and comes back holding a back of Smirnoff Triple Black and a brown paper bag of some sort of bottle. I thought perhaps he got the Triple Black for me since it's sort of a girly drink.

I drive back to his complex and we go up to his apartment. He starts to eat his sandwich and chips, and grabs a Triple Black from the 6-pack and uncovers a 40oz beer from the brown paper bag. He begins to eat as I just look at him. He fumbles for something on the TV. He tells me he has to leave soon since his parents are expecting him for dinner. I just stare at him eating and drinking. I mention that I like Triple Blacks. He looks at me awkwardly and says, "Oh. Well if you want you can have one. I'll even get up and get you one." He gestures to the table behind me, about 5 feet (if that) from him. I shrug and tell him not to worry about it.

After about an hour of casual conversation and watching scenes from the Christmas Story on TV, I suggest I need to head home. Charles seemed a bit surprised. He walked me out and asked about when I'd see him again. I made some joke and walked across the street to my car.

Charles kept asking me to hang out but I kept making excuses. Finally I told him I wasn't interested in him. He was quiet at first but then went off attacking me saying how I wasted his time. I let him have his rant and then deleted his contact details.

Definitely not a winner in my book.

DCML Explained - Part 5: Nein to Nazis

You call me or compare me to a Nazi and/or German dictators,
kidding or not

Seems simple enough, right? Why would you call a Jewish female a Nazi and/or compare her to Hitler? It's just wrong and not particularly impressive if you want to get on her good side.

I've ran into some pretty harsh anti-Semites in my day, even some young guy who kept calling me a Nazi as a joke who wanted to date me, but by far the worst was (and yes name changed to protect the asshole) Wallace.

I knew Wallace liked me the day he met me, and I can't say I was particularly drawn to him, but he was my buddy. We hung out almost daily. He was a great guy, or so it seemed.

What happened was after a night out partying, my buddy and I were chilling out and recovering over at Wallace's place. We were a bit stoned out and getting over the drunken feeling, and on Wallace's dirty carpet, he notices a penny. "Hey," he explains gesturing at the penny while looking at me, "pick up that penny you Jew." Bad enough, right? Well it gets worse. I glare at Wallace with my evil eyes and proceed to pinch his skin right under the rib cage, HARD. Wallace winces in pain and gets really quiet.

Later that night I call Wallace's cell phone. I apologize for pinching him hard, expecting he'd apologize for the Jewish comment. He doesn't.

In stead Wallace begins to proclaim me a Nazi, telling me I should know better considering what my people have gone through, raging on that violence is violence, that I may as well be burning Jews in the oven and leading concentration camps, and telling me how comparable I was to Hitler. Wallace goes on for about 5 minutes.

I was utterly stunned. Shocked. I slammed down the phone. The guy who liked me so much, the guy who I hung out with daily, the guy who I had thought was my really good friend just laid down the harshest unethical words I ever heard.

I stopped talking to Wallace that day. I saw him in passing a few times, but from seeing him daily to a dead stop of never talking friendly again was instantaneous. Wallace never attempted to apologize. I heard he left work that night in a highly depressed state.

Wallace then went on to get some girl pregnant, the father of the girl didn't want Wallace seeing the baby, and then when the baby was had Wallace denied it being his.

What a winner. Good luck, Wallace.

DCML Explained - Part 4: A Time to Accuse

You accuse me of being abnormally paranoid for not wanting to meet you after only chatting with you once

Slow and steady win the race, right? Being a girl, on the internet, we get our share of unpleasant encounters. That's generally the theme, but typically upon being rejected, the guy just sulks off. Evan (name changed to protect the weirdo) was a bit different. Actually, I really don't remember what his name is so I'm just going to call him Evan. If that's your real name, Evan, sorry.

Evan was a self-proclaimed genius. I had one conversation with him, ever. He claimed to get his graduate degree in online communication and relationships. I didn't know you could get a PhD in such a subject. I think he also claimed he could fly, too. Perhaps he believes it too. A YouTube demonstration should be mandatory.

Evan also had a lovely picture of his beautiful ex-girlfriend as his main picture and alternate picture. He only had two pictures up and they were both of the happy couple. I don't know about you, but when I'm looking for a new guy, I don't post up pictures of me with my ex, especially if they're my only pictures.

In any case, Evan and I start a lovely chat and then he immediately asks to meet me for coffee. Granted, I rather chat or talk on the phone a little bit before jumping to the f2f. I've done it before, and I'm a little less hesitant than I used to be about meeting soon after initial communication, but I wasn't ready to go all out here after 10 minutes of OkCupid chat. In this case it was probably a good thing.

Evan didn't take well to me saying no. He then angrily accused me stating how abnormal I am and how mean I am compared to him. Yes, in comparison to him. He tells me I must really be messed up for being this distrusting, and that I'm very abnormal. He wishes me luck, then signs off.

Then, he deletes his entire OkCupid profile. I'm not joking. He was gone from the internet in 5 minutes.

I'm glad I didn't meet up with him.

DCML Explained - Part 3: The Sweater King

And So There Was The Sweater King...

I'll admit it. Most of the people I talk to who are potential love interests get a nickname. This guy is no different. You can see where the Sweater King got his nickname from. The Sweater King may be the biggest part of the reason why I stopped agreeing to evaluate my interest level in people younger than myself. This guy... was just nuts. A lot of bullet points in the list originated from him:

1. You make jokes about being a pedophile
2. You immediately tell me that you want to convert for me
3. You just broke up with your ex
4. You constantly talk about and/or frequently hangout with your ex/exes

Let's start with #1.
You make jokes about being a pedophile

This seems obvious enough doesn't it? I mean sure, everyone once in awhile makes some inappropriate comment about a first grader, or a sixth grader, or some other form of jail bait. But on a public transportation system, loudly, on a cell phone? This guy was yelling on a full bus of people how he likes to give it to young boys. Joke or not, just weird.

You immediately tell me that you want to convert for me

Very sweet... a nice gesture even. I'd love it if the guy I want to end up with tells me he wants to convert for me. But announcing something like this during the first conversation, repeatedly? I don't even know the guy and he's telling me he'll be a Jew for me. I didn't even ask him to. Very strange.

You just broke up with your ex
You constantly talk about and/or frequently hangout with your ex/exes

These two just go together like peas in a pod. But even alone, they're both not great. His beautiful princess girlfriend who spends $800 on purses that he just broke up with, and was even engaged to at one point was a topic of frequent conversation for him. Granted, he mostly liked to hear himself talk, but seriously. If you just broke up with someone that you saw for a long time and even were engaged to, chances are you're not ready for anything with me.

Also, who really wants to hear about the ex? Or that you still hang out with them a lot? Or that you talk to them all week every week? From what I've experienced, I rather the ex not be around. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but in general, I try to avoid the situation.

DCML Explained - Part 2: Flavorful Feet Fetish

#2 You like to smear food products on your feet and take pictures

Bob was a really silly, crazy, in-your-face kind of guy. He'd call and sing, he tried to impress some chick by dressing up in a kilt (which failed), and he had a bizarre sense of humor... perhaps too bizarre.

After a lovely discussion with Bob, we came to the topic of fetishes. Granted, OkCupid labels me as a kinky bastard, and there's truth behind that, but I have my limits. I was explaining to Bob how I didn't understand the attraction to a foot fetish. Lots of men have foot fetishes. Perhaps there is something sexy for men to see a nicely pedicured woman's foot in mid stream of some honey poured over it, or something. There are certainly enough websites about it. Some guys love to suck toes or have their toes sucked. I have no idea. I guess it can be sexy to see a girl with nicely pedicured toes in red stiletto heels, or something.

In any case, I was saying to Bob that I was not a fan. I've had my toes sucked on before. It didn't do much for me at all.

So what does Bob do? Nothing... or so I thought. We were in a conversation later that evening where he even sang to me. It was very sweet. I hung up my phone, falling asleep after we said our goodbyes and then I get a text message from Bob.

I was thinking it would be some sort of cutesy lovey dovey stuff new admirers say to one another. No.

It was a picture of his foot, covered in peanut butter. HIS FOOT COVERED IN PEANUT BUTTER!!!

This was the image that made me lose any sort of enjoyment I ever had for peanut butter. I still don't like it how I used to.

Despite this horrible incident, I still met Bob for some drinks. Before we left he gave me something, it was a peanut butter sandwich. I refused to take it.

Needless to say, we never hung out again.

DCML Explained - Part 1: A Suckoff to a Good Start

And so starts the first chapter of why I have a list. Let's cut right to the chase, shall we? Although the points are not categorized in terms of weirdness, I did put the least desirable ones at the top

Here's the point that led me to the creation of the list. As usual, names have been changed to protect the weirdo.

#1 You're a male who enjoys being sexual with other men in any form

This seems straightforward enough, doesn't it? You'd think the bisexual or homosexual would tip me off in the header. But that wasn't present in this case.

I had been talking to Josh for several days now. Although he was rather quirky, he shared a lot of the same interests as me. He's highly intelligent too, but seems like a stereotypical internet nerd. Since my background for my Masters of Science degree is in reproductive physiology, in particular spermatozoa, the topic often comes up (ha... no pun intended). We were discussing the properties of semen, inclusive of flavor. The topic sidetracked to something very bizarre when Josh admitted that consuming sperm was not, that bad. I questioned his dire interest, as to why he would eat his own sperm which revealed that he wasn't talking about his own.

Josh: I'm not gay or bisexual or anything but I really think it's sexy to go down on guys.
Me: As in a girl doing that?
Josh: No, I like to do that. I've done it and I really enjoy it.
Me: ...
Josh: Although it's better in fantasy than practice, but I still enjoy it.

Although I do understand the consideration that there is a spectrum between homosexuality and heterosexuality, when a guy tells me he wants to suck off another guy, that seems pretty bisexual (at the least) to me.

I still talk to Josh on occasion, but it's pretty clear to him that if a dude wants to blow another dude, he's not the one for me.

Needless to say, this prompted me to create the list.

The Introduction to the Don't Contact Me List (DCML) Explained

The Introduction to the Don't Contact Me List (DCML) Explained

I'll admit it. I'm on a few online dating sites. I've been on a few dating sites for years. I've been on online dating sites when only perverts and people who get molested were on them. I've encountered enough individuals that eventually I formulated a list of what I don't want in a mate. I call this my Don't Contact Me List. The purpose of this list is to rule out what I am NOT looking for in a mate. Originally this list has only been on OkCupid but I decided to branch out and include it for a more public display. All the bullets below stem from individuals I have met over the years. The following is the current list:

• You're a male who enjoys being sexual with other men in any form
• You like to smear food products on your feet and take pictures
• You make frequent jokes about being a pedophile
• You break my stuff and blame me for your accident
• You invite me to hangout and end up being with another girl all night
• You accuse me of being abnormally paranoid for not wanting to meet you after only chatting with you once online
• You don't want to meet up until after some extended period of time chatting online
• You call me or compare me to a Nazi and/or German dictators, kidding or not
• You want me to drive you around to random stores on our first date and don't offer me anything
• You start off your introduction with a picture or webcam of your penis and/or any penis-associated activity
• You immediately tell me that you want to convert for me
• You start off introductions with "You're a hottie," "XOXOXOX," "Your pictures are sexy," or some other variation
• You're an extreme animal activist
• You text or talk to people on the phone at least half the time we're out
• You don't participate in daily hygiene rituals (i.e. shower)
• You're high maintenance, over-sensitive, passive-aggressive, desperate, really needy, and/or you can't take a joke
• You must live with cats (I like them, but I'm allergic)
• You're a smoker
• You can't go a day without an alcoholic beverage
• You have kids (love kids, but want to start my own family)
• You're married or in a relationship
• You want a polyamorous relationship
• You're old enough to be my dad's peer
• You're only looking for something sexual
• You only want to talk about my body
• You disrespect and/or discredit my religion
• You can't accept your future kids being Jewish
• You just broke up with your ex
• You constantly talk about your past relationships and/or frequently hangout with your ex/exes (If they're your friends, why not just refer to them as a friend? If there is no existing romance, then I don't need the past details)
• You fly/drive to your ex-girlfriend to spend the weekend with her, alone
• You get involved in a relationship where you end up frequently telling your girlfriend (or frequently feeling that) you don't know if you want her
• You live farther than an hour's drive of me (I'm not into LDR)
• You're younger than 25 or older than 33

(updated 12/11/08)

Why do I have a don't contact me list? Am I trying to seem like an arrogant jerk who thinks I get my pick of the litter all the time? No. Being on a dating website, and being female, I've come across some good people, but also my share of wackos. My list is a compilation of what I don't want based on who I've run into, mostly from OkCupid. At first glance you'll probably laugh. How could people actually do that sort of thing... and why? Well, this list came to be after reaching the point where I had my oddest encounter; the one that will commence this blog.

Most people usually want the story behind the remark. I've decided not to link the OkCupid user here to which the bullet point corresponds. Names have been changed to protect the weirdos. In fact, some of the weirdos are actually still my friends, people I still care about or someone I don't heavily avoid. If you're also featured here, I apologize that your tactic didn't go over well.

Some stories may be longer than others. Some deserve that much more explanation.

Also, for the record, most of the dates I go on are pretty fun. But I rather keep a journal of the humorously bad ones than the plentiful good ones. People love to laugh at weirdness and stupidity, amirite? ;)

The above posts will be the story behind the madness. Enjoy.