DCML Explained - Part 13: You Made Me Do It!

Trust me. I'm doing you a favor by breaking your things.

You break my stuff and blame me for your accident

I'm well aware that accidents happen. We slip-up. We say hurtful things. We crash our cars. We crash our parents' cars. We crash our boss's car. Okay, you get the point. But yes, accidents happen, including expensive ones. However, it almost comes down to how we deal with the accident, more than the accident itself. As you may assume, the following story about our main character, Wilson, pertains to how tactfully he handled himself well post-mishap.

Wilson and I met at a dance event. We had a good time. He taught me a few moves. We connected by talking about our similar interest in music. We planned to meet-up, but Wilson being the flake that he is, bailed on me that day to help his friend.

I tried to get in touch with Wilson a few times. It was very nonchalant and he didn't respond too much. So I let it slide. Then, I go to another dance event, and I see Wilson there. We reconnected. He wanted to see me in a few days. He tried to make plans after the dance but I felt a bit under the weather so I didn't come through.

During the dance I was with one of my friends and requested Wilson take my picture with my camera. Granted, this is a point-and-shoot camera, but it still falls short under $300. This is a lot of money when your rent is ridiculously high (yeaaah DC!). I handed the camera over to Wilson and to my dismay, the camera slipped from Wilson's hands and it dropped on the hard floor. I didn't think too much of it as he quickly picked up the camera, brushed it off, then took my picture. Before I left Wilson flirtatiously suggested to me he'd kiss me if I wasn't under the weather. I grinned and left the scene.

Later that night I downloaded the pictures to my PC and noticed the ones Wilson took were blurry. I cleaned the lens of the camera, but this didn't solve the problem. I played with the zoom to realize that the lens was broken. I texted Wilson about the incident and he didn't respond. I filled out the repair paperwork online and shipped the camera out the following day.

The next day I text Wilson again. This time I casually say "what's up?" He responds back that he had fun the previous night. I text him back asking if he received my texts about the camera. He then calls me.

Wilson went off saying it was not his fault and he was only doing me a favor by taking the picture, so essentially it was my responsibility. Yes, I appreciate the favor, but he still broke my camera. He went off getting defensive and rude and hesitant. I told him it was broken and it was a $300 camera. He didn't have much to say. I said maybe the warranty will cover it. He was like yes, look into that. We then hung up.

I didn't enjoy his hostility. He didn't even offer paying for shipping costs or even a partial repair. He didn't offer anything. He essentially blamed me since I was the one who handed him the camera.

I texted him back saying I would appreciate if he would help with the costs of repair. Wilson tried calling back. I didn't answer. He tried again. I didn't answer. He then deleted me as his Facebook friend.

At least I learned from Wilson that you really get to know a character by how he responds after he breaks your s#@$!

DCML Explained - Part 12: Here Kitty, Kitty... No?

Meow. Purr. Yay. Kittens are cute. Cats are fun. But boy, am I allergic to them.

You must live with cats

This seems self-explanatory. Why live with an animal if you're allergic to it? The story does get a bit deeper than that, however. Martin and I dated approximately 5 months. He lived in his own apartment approximately 5 minutes driving distance from mine. We both lived alone and we were both graduate students at the time. Therefore, we were busy people.

Given our love for animals we both had pets. I had 2 chinchillas, 1 rabbit, 1 hedgehog, 2 turtle doves and a partridge an a pear tree. Alright, spare the birds and the tree, but the other four apply. Martin had an obese cat and then acquired a cute smaller kitten. Martin did know I was allergic to cats before he acquired another, but my intentions were not to discourage them.

Approximately two months into the relationship Martin felt that his cat situation was quite an inconvenience to our relationship. I couldn't spend a prolonged period of time over his apartment due to my allergies and he hated being away from his cats. As a compromise he decided to close the bedroom off from the cats, but then that didn't last long. His apartment was approximately 900 square feet and he felt it was a punishment to the cats not to allow them to sleep with him when he was over there.

As a result, Martin had to come over to my place more often. He despised this resolution too as it meant he couldn't spend quality kitty time. Martin tried to get me on prescription medications in addition to my regular allergy medication, as well as get my allergy tested. I did do the blood test but put my foot down when it came to the test involving being stuck with tons of needles.

Martin then announced he was having allergic reactions to my animals. He said he had breathing difficult at my place despite me having $500+ air purifiers throughout my small abode. Martin had an allergy test as well to reveal he was allergic to.... yes... cats, and only cats.

In summary the feline situation really caused a barrier in our relationship. It was not ultimately the reason of our separation, but certainly contributed to anxiety and stress on top of what we already shared. By the time we separated we had enough of each other.

Meow.

DCML Explained - Part 11: Um, I'm Not Ready Yet

I'm not ready to meet you yet. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be more comfortable to get together f2f.

You don't want to meet up until after some
extended period of time chatting online

Since you are reading this, that probably means you may have some level of interest in online dating. If you've been in the cyber-love world for more than just a week or two, you've probably ran into this personality type. Although it may be more common in women than men, it does exist in both genders. There is this online personality that wants to wait weeks to months before they're willing to get together face-to-face (f2f).

I met Donald on another free dating site and I had our really fascinating first conversation. We threw around intelligent facts, jokes, and all those other great things that make you glued to your computer communicating via text. We probably chatted for a few hours. It felt nice.

Following that conversation, our continued rapport grew very monosyllabic. Donald would IM me with a few words here or there. I'd attempt to engage in conversation but constantly hit brick walls. Perhaps his interest level in me highly waned.

I asked Donald on a few occasions if he ever wanted to meet up with me. He confirmed that he did. I tried to get availability of his schedule. He wasn't too open. Eventually I asked him what the deal was.

Donald told me he wasn't comfortable meeting me yet. I asked why. He said he took awhile to open up to people. I commented that we don't even really talk anymore. He repeated that he wasn't comfortable yet. I said what does opening up to someone have to do with meeting them face to face? Isn't it more common for people to reveal more lounging around in their underwear with the comfort of the computer masking their identity?

I laid it out straight. I wasn't comfortable having a chat buddy. Typically I understand when people are too busy to meet up, but building a comfort level first online? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I find this to often be misleading. I encouraged him to contact me when he's ready to hangout and we left it at that.

Think about this. You're at a bar. A hot girl/guy comes over to you. You have some drinks and make some small chat. You exchange numbers. You might even dance a bit if you're tipsy and/or the dance floor is booming. Now, unless you're backing that thang up, I'd say your interaction isn't very open and intimate either.

All in all, as long as you're meeting in a public place during daylight hours, what's the harm in meeting up after chatting for a limited time? Maybe it's my personality but I rather be out and about than building up a relationship through da interwebs.

I mean, if you're gonna get molested by someone, are they really going to tell you that in the IM?

DCML Explained - Part 10: What's the smell?

What is that stench?

You don't participate in daily hygiene rituals (i.e. shower)

Perhaps it's an American thing. Perhaps it's a luxury thing. Perhaps it's an unrealistic expectation. Perhaps, and just perhaps, I don't like to climb into bed dirty.

Daily showers are practically a necessity for me. There are few occasions where I can't force myself to climb into the shower at some point in a 24-hour interval. However, I find that this is not the case for everyone.

I dated Jerry for almost half a year and he opened my eyes to a new unexpected lifestyle. Jerry didn't shower often. Maybe he showered 2 or 3 times a week. I realized this one day where he came over to visit me. He had an odor. I smelled him with a disgruntled look upon my face. I really should have recognized it when I noticed the dander the first time we hung out alone. "Did you shower today?" I asked him. He looked at my shyly and responded that he did not. Then Jerry became defensive and told me about his lifestyle. Daily showers are not part of his routine.

Well perhaps Jerry had a good excuse. He was straightedge and into the hardcore scene. If you ever been to a hardcore club, like the Black Cat in DC, you'll notice there are definite whiffs of body odor passing by. Anyway, his main excuse was that he just didn't have time to shower daily.

That was a new one to me. How could you not go out of your way to shower? Unfortunately this aspect made me a bit paranoid and frequently, and quite possibly obnoxiously, I questioned if he showered.

Jerry and I made a pact that he would shower if he saw me that day, which came true most of the time. I noticed over time his dander problem dropped off as he showered more, but the boy was just not naturally motivated to rinse off daily. His brother is similar so perhaps this philosophy runs in the family.

Anyway, there are enough things to be annoyed about in a relationship. Maybe I'm high-maintenance, but I don't think I should be deemed unrealistic if I want my partner to be clean on a daily basis. Who doesn't like to climb into bed smelling good?

DCML Explained - Part 9: Just a sec, I'm TXTing

Oh darling, sweet sweet Jacob, this is truly a great date! I wish you'd hold my hand. But alas, your fingers seem to be attached to your number pad on the cellphone.

You text or talk to people on the phone at least half the time we're out

Naturally one would thing it's polite when going on a date to put your phone on vibrate, silent, or even power it off. Unfortunately my date, Jacob (yes, his name is changed) didn't think so.

His excuse was that he provides for his family... his 8 or so other brothers and sisters, and helps out his parents. Anyone of them could be contacting him for an emergency, an emergency every other minute. I'd hate to live in a household with a crisis that frequently. Something can't be right there.

However, yes, because when there is a 9-1-1 call, I don't call up the operator. I text. It's probably something like this

"Hey, mrder in my house. Can u help plz? Call mom. Thnx. Ttys BBL"

Come to think of it, if you did have a murderer in your house it might be "safer" to text 9-1-1 than to call. Yes, apparently it is already an option in play (thanks niehjd).

But back to the story, so this guy I'm out on a date with keeps texting people non-stop. Granted, I'll text, too. But not every other minute! I don't think Jacob even noticed that I had stopped talking and just starred of into the distance after awhile.

To me, this is just straightforward rudeness.

So gents, ladies, a combo of both... respect your potential love interest and silence your phone or at least provide an emergency number so those people who text you to help with the creepy murderer in their house will get immediate assistance.

Yes, however, I am aware of the chance Jacob was entirely bored of me and just texting away until the date is over. I almost rather him leave out of the bathroom window, if that was the case.

But then in today's growing technology, Superman doesn't need a signal in the sky. A simple text message would do.

DCML Explained - Part 8: Actually I'm with Her

Ever been invited out, and your date ends up hanging all over another person all night? Yeah, I haven't either, until this date. It gets worse, too.

You invite me to hangout and end up being with another girl all night.

Mitchell (name changed to protect the asshole) and I talked sporadically. In fact, when Mitchell first contacted me on MySpace, I blew him off telling him I wouldn't date a smoker. I looked at his page, however. His background was laced with silhouettes of naked women and his top friends looked like the "models" that Friend Request you, then try to get you to buy some ringtones. Needless to say, I forgot about Mitchell.

A few weeks later he contacted me again. I realized he had some similar music interests as me, so, despite my better judgment, I shrugged off a few details I usually don't ignore in potential dates, and let him contact me.

Surprisingly, we're both pretty strong assertive personalities and we ended up having playful, insulting, and very compatible conversations. I always hung up the phone with a big grin on my face.

Mitchell and I met up a few times at the gym. We didn't interact outside of the gym very often. Our schedules didn't mesh, and he wasn't reliable.

Finally, one day he suggested I come hang out with him and his friends at a local bar/club. I arrived about an hour after his other friends were there. I greeted them all and ended up dancing with the friends. Mitchell, however, kept disappearing. I finally spotted him at the dance floor. He was all over this girl. I was thinking, well maybe he knows her. He does seem to know a lot of people and is a bit flirt.

However, social Mitchell, the people's person, hardly leaves her side all night. I even viewed them kissing. I was getting fairly drunk as the night continued since people kept buying me drinks. Mitchell approached me.

Mitchell: I'm with her because I can't be with you now.
Mitchell then leans in and kisses my face.
Me [baffled and unreceptive]: What the hell are you talking about? What are you doing???
Mitchell [drunk and over-dramatically touching his heart with both hands]: I don't have it in my heart to give it up now. I'm still hurt from my last relationship. I can't give myself up with you now. With her it's different.
Me: WHAT? Um, we've hardly hung out. I'm not asking for a relationship with you now.
Mitchell: I know, I know. But I can't be involved like what you deserve now.
Me [eyes wide, confused and drunk]: Um... okay.

Mitchell then runs off to be with the girl for the rest of the night. I continue to hangout with his friends. So that's fairly bad right? Mitchell is hanging out, and making out, with this chick right in front of my face, despite inviting me out. Hold on. It gets worse.

By the time the bar was closing, I was in no condition to drive home. I may have been stupid for coming out to meet Mitchell, but not stupid enough, or ever, to drive intoxicated. Without a plan, and the bouncers pushing everyone out, we end up piling into Mitchell's parents' Mercedes SUV and end up at the condo his parents live at. He lives with them.

Mitchell is running around, chatting with his friends, and making out with that girl. I was frustrated and upset, and Mitchell's friend was hitting on me. I picked up Mitchell's parents' Bison Frise.

I started petting the dog, in my less drunken state, and then I feel something sharp on my face. I touch my hand to my face and feel blood. Then I realize THE DOG BIT ME IN THE CHEEK!

I start freaking out. Mitchell is too distracted with everything else to pay attention. Other people are running around drunk and upset for various reasons. The guy who was hitting on me helps me clean it up. I'm extremely upset. I'm holding gauze to my cheek after cleaning it up with rubbing alcohol and Neosporin. While attempting to stop my cheek from bleeding, I step outside and start calling anyone in the local area to pick me up and take me to my car back at the bar. While I'm in the middle of doing this, Mitchell's new "girlfriend" steps outside to talk to me.

She starts complaining how she only came here to meet people and is upset with how things are going. I tell her I want to go home. She says Mitchell will take us or she'll drive his car to take me back to mine. She walks back inside the house. I wait outside in the freezing cold wearing nothing but a thin cami and jeans, standing out by the SUV in 25F weather.

She returns outside and says Mitchell is coming to take us back to the car. Then she starts telling me how I need to respect myself more. She was referring to the guy who was hitting on me. She went on to say that he only wants to get in my pants and she would know since she was raped when she was 14. I'm still holding gauze to my bloody cheek. Baffled and beyond annoyed, I turn away from her.

Mitchell finally comes out to take me back to my car. The girl is sitting up front with him, cuddling and holding hands. I'm in the back hoping my bleeding stopped. I'm more than sober by this point and extremely upset.

When I finally get back to my car, I speed off. The next day (or really a few hours later) I go to the doctor and get my cheek looked at. It didn't need sutures but I had to take an antibiotic. I'm still hoping it won't scar.

On a positive note, the next day, on my morning commute to work, the DJS on Hot 99.5, a local pop radio station, on the Kane Show request listeners call-in about a story involving either sex, blood, jail or fame.

I call in with my story. I was only competing against a married couple having sex on the side of the interstate. I won a DVD. So, at least my date was good for something.

DCML Explained - Part 7: Keep It In Your Pants

Here's a quickie, no pun intended.

You start off your introduction with a picture or webcam of your
penis and/or any penis-associated activity

This seems rather obvious enough, doesn't it? How should you introduce yourself to a lady online? Perhaps you may say hello. You might ask about her day. You might comment on her profile or how you like her pictures. There are many ways to greet a lady.

How should you NOT greet a lady? Perhaps by starting an uncontrollable OKCupid instant message that displays your webcam (I didn't know this was even an available option). But perhaps you're over-confident. She doesn't need to see your face, just you masturbating in the camera.

That's how some random stranger on OKCupid greeted me. An OKCupid IM pops up. I see the typical "hello." Then I get a full frontal of his erection and his hand vigorously stroking it.

I was less than thrilled. And he wasn't even that endowed.

So boys, when you're trying to talk to that special one, especially for the first time, it may be best just to keep it in your pants, at least if your webcam is up. Actually, just play it safe and keep the cam off altogether.